*aaaachhhhhooooooooo*

Too much dust,abandoned for quite sometime already.
Time for updates,not that much...a little will do eh!

March was the last.
Many things happened for the past 2 months.
I have been busy with life.
I have been happy with life & people around me too.
Felt blessed.

Hectic training for shows.(pictures in FB)
Alotta plans made.

&&& I am happy,for now!

(Bumming around Town)

(Sunday @ Yaz's Crib)
(Widyasari's Anniversary)
(Pesta Budaya show)
(Sentosa)
(Ufi's lil hair cut)
(Sun-Date with the Cousins)
(Wedding Show @ Mercure Roxy Hotel)
(Team Bravo's Chalet)
(Show @ Japanese Garden)
(K-Nite with Them)
(Extended Family Chalet)
(Dee's Wedding)
(K-Nite cum Hyda's Advance B'dae Celebration)
It has been 2 months since Arwah's passing.
And just 2 nights ago,I dreamt of him.
In that dream,all of us cousins went to Town,and there was this convo between me & him...

Him:Kite nak pegi mane?
Me:Kite go walk-walk je...
Him:Oh...ingatkan u nak teman i kat Pusara Aman/Pusara Abadi...

& after that last convo,aku pon tersentak bangon from my sleep.
I really don't know what that dream is all about and what it's supposed to mean.
Maybe,it's a sign that I should visit him soon!
I am missing him that till now,I terbawak-bawak of that mimpi.

Al-fateha...


Till then.

It was your tahlil yesterday,and 1 week since you left us.
I was there,with the rest of our cousins,just for you.
I am still not over it fully.
I cried again yesterday,when BuKin hugged me and when me & Nab had a convo in your room.
The text message that you sent me half an hour before you left,insya'allah,I will keep it for the rest of my life as it reminds me how & what happened,& it is just so meaningful to me although to others it may just be a normal text message.
Myself & family is just so thankful that we get to spend time with you 2 days before you left.
It will take sometime for us to really let go of the pain as your presence in everyone's life have been meaningful in many ways.
Your loss was a deep impact to us all.
&&& I can never stop crying whenever I see this videoclip of yours.It just made me wanna hug you so tigh,kiss you on your forehead and tells you how much I am missing you.



For now,you rest in peace dear love...
Insya'allah,I will visit you.
I LOVE YOU & I AM MISSING YOU SO MUCH!

In Loving Memory of my dear cousin,
Muhammad Salleh Bin Abd Aziz
08/04/1987 - 27/02/2010

It's a double blow for us this year,just like how it happened 12 years ago.
2 pemergian in a month and both related.
12 years ago...one of our uncle left the world of a heart attack and a week later,his own anak sedare left,in a plane crash.
Now...just last Friday,our nenek sedare left,of an illness,a week later on Sat morning,her cucu sedare left in an accident.

I'm still in a state of shocked.
It was just 2 days before he passed on,he came over to my place wanting to see his 2 nephews.He ate,he sat,he played chess with my bro,he borrowed my helmet,and that night when he came to return me back the helmet,that was the last time I saw him.
On Sat morning,he texted me at 0730 am that he'll be going to another cousin's house for our nenek sedare's 7 hari tahlil alone,but I think 1/2 or 1 hr later,I got the shocked of my life for the first time when mom woke me up saying that he met with and accident and passed away on the spot.
I broke down so bad.
Saturday night,we were supposed to have fun with the rest of the cousins,but it turned out the other way.
It was unbelievable.I did whatever I could.I double checked my phone to see the date and time of the message that he sent me & I even tried calling him,but to no avail.
I showered and rushed down to the accident scene.
What I saw...was very unexpected.
My heartbeat went really fast.
The impact of everything...
As I trembled,I still stayed till he was brought back to the hospital for the post mortem.
I couldn't sleep.Whenever I close my eyes,he'll appear.

I was so much waiting for him anxiously with the rest of the cousins,at his place but he left the hospital only at 4pm.
It was a little rushing as we we chasing for time before maghrib for his burial.
And there was this part when all the women was asked to leave the house for a while as the men did the prayers at home.
So,I went down to the void deck since dorang nak sembahyang asar and when I returned back in less than 10 minutes,wanting to see him so bad,nak taborkan pacai,what I was told by my mom was..."dah,dah abis dah..mayat dah nak turon pegi kubur"
Imagined how I felt?
I regretted...I regretted I went down to the void deck.
I cried so bad when they put him dalam tempat mayat,getting ready to leave.

All of us followed him to his new home where we know he's in good hands.
I recite some prayers from far,only when his lot was spacious,I went near to have a last look.
I couldn't bear to leave him...
When everybody was leaving,I went down to his lot again,recite another prayer and then I really left.
Even after everything is done,my mind was and is still in a daze up till today.
I still cry whenever I think of it.
He was the one who'll always asked us cousins if wwe are going to any of the family occasions if there is.
He have always wanted us cousins to have that strong bond,close relationship.
It was just recently when the boys started blending themselves in among each other,but sadly,it was a short one for him...

"Cuz...I still can't believe you've left all of us.As much as I want you back,I know it's way very impossible.I know I should redha with your loss.It'll definitely takes time for me to really,really accept the truth.You are now at your new home,in good hands.Your loss is a real calling for the remaining us to repent and appreciate each other selagi hayat masih ade.How much you wanted all of us,the 3rd generation cousins to have close bond,strong relationship,insya'allah...we will,for you Love.Cuz...how I wish I could hug you tight telling you how much I love and badly missing you..."

Al-Fateha.

I just got home from the dance training for the Alumni Performance coming in March.
Schedules are gonna be very tight till that very day,trainings are gonna be in long hours and my Saturday is not gonna be spared either.

It was my first day today,and I am the only one from the pioneer batch.The rest are those who just graduated like years after I did.I was nervous when I stepped in the room as there were 4 male dancers.I've never performed with any male dancers in a group before,so this will be a good experience for me.Good to know that we are able to perform for the school.Today's training was very tiring.My muscle cramps are back just like it was when I first started with Widyasari.Tempo...too fast for me to catch up although I did remember some of the steps given.Takes time,I know.Hopefully I 'm able to catch up with everything for the performance in March.

Life...been pretty good for me.Having friends who atleast made my day.
Those lepak sessions and all.
I am thankful for all that...
Atleast all this made me smile,laugh and whatever.
Just that I don't wanna think that much,especially when it comes to my relationship.
I just hope for the best,definitely in everything.

Ok,am gonna here.
Not really in the mood to blog that long,long post.


Till then.

Alhamdulillah...that 2009 has past.
And it's already 2010.
I'm gonna dump 2009 far,far away as it has been a painful journey for me.
I'm hoping that 2010 will be a good one.
This year is gonna be my last year as a Single Lady,insya'llah.
I've gotta start with the wedding preparations,now that I'm only left with 11 mths.
I am also hoping he'll change for the better,insya'allah...amin.

Hope you guys had a good start for 2010.

Happy New Year!


Till then.

Now..I just have the urge to pen some thoughts or maybe what's happening over the weekends.
Indeed,I have things...bothering my mind a little,just that I don't know how to bring it up.

My weekends was well-spent.
Family bondings.
Bbq-ing at my crib and everybody was there.

It has been so long since we last gathered for this event at my place.
It was funnn...I just love it when it comes to family events,and twister was the craze!!!
Ended the day almost to midnight.

Come Sunday,initial plan was to go Hortpark,but since there was some hiccups and my neverending migraines,I ditched the idea to go there.
Left the house only at 0430 pm and train-ed to Town to meet the other 2 of my cousins.
It was only lunch at Far East then to Esplanade for a little camwhore before we made our last pit stop in Tampines.

I shall have to plan more outings for us cousins!

Let's talk a little on my personal life.

December is ending soon.
And after that,I'm left with say...11 months before the big day.
Marriage is not a small thing.
It's a very major commitment in life.
After what happened,I still have doubts settling down although I know how big the shit he did was,he will still be the one who is able to look after me till God knows when...
He'll still be the one who is able to tolerate my super fucked up temper,
He'll still be the one who is able to give me what I want,
and the list goes on...
I still see all that in him.
But what I'm afraid is that...what if history repeats,even after we are married?
That is what fears me the most.
Coz as I know...leopard never change its spots.

And just recently...I have been enjoying life with the people around me.
Since the incident,I thought to myself that maybe,I should start being a little independent.
I've started going out with friends,cousins and whatever plans there is...just to avoid myself from thinking too much.
I'll just follow the flow,to where it leads me to...
I'm tired of doing the thinkings...I'm tired of the cries,just to make myself feel better.

I just hope 2010,will be a better year for me.
2009,I shall throw far,far away...but the deep scars,shall stay put with me wherever I go,till whenever...
I...just wanna be happy!


Till then.

Now...now...it has been quite some time since the last I pen down my thoughts.
And...I've forgotten most of the things that happened.
Life...has been good,alhamdulillah...
Lovelife...still on the right track although I am still on my 'tak kuase' mode eversince what happened.

Let's just make do with what I can remember.

Firstly,congrats to Yanie & Saiful on the arrival of their baby boy,Shakil Ejaz.He's was born right on the Hari Raya Aidiladha itself.Me and Ewan visited them on Shakil's 2nd day.

Right after visiting Shakil,we went on a 'date'.It has been so long since we went out together,to town,just the 2 of us.

And then...I had my long awaited planned holiday.
Balik-ed kampong for 4D3N.
Since I've been there last year,the surroundings of the living things around me didn't really bother me that much.I had my fun,although this time,there was no pit stop and it was totally kampong life.

Am definitely going back there next year before our big day,insya'allah...

Today,one of my Widya babies,got engaged.

Congrats Yaya!

To sum up today's event,town again with these babes.


Sebenarnye...aku ni malas nak type panjang-panjang.So all up above,I've summarised.
Sekarang,I gotta hit the sack as...it's gonna be shopping time tomorrow.
I...sooooo can't wait!!!

More pictures in FB and Multiply.

Nite.


Till then.